A step back isn't bad...

…When it’s followed by two steps forward. Or even a single step forward. Maybe. In the short run.

Staying even’s better than losing ground.

As you can probably tell, I haven’t been nearly as productive of late as I want to be.

There’s even a blog post hanging fire that I began last week, and even told my pals Larry and Joe about. I put off finishing it because I didn’t want the effort to take away from my “real” (i.e., paid) writing. And as is perfectly characteristic of these spells, the fact I forwent finishing the piece did not translate into any more of the writing I need to do getting done. (So, sorry, it – and its sequel – will be online soon. Really.)

Excuses fail to interest me:  they’re not useful. What I’m looking for is how to move past it, get back to making solid (or better!) progress. And maybe figure out how to take fewer steps back in the future.

That said, one substantial reason I had trouble writing as much as I wanted, or needed to, especially last week, was that I wasn’t sleeping well. I’m doing what I can to address that.

Another component was the fear I’ve been dealing with pretty much the whole three and a half decades (yeah, I know: ouch) of my career:  basically, that I’m just not good enough. I’ve largely got it beat down, through two primary means. First, my friend Joe’s ridicule of the fear:  I haven’t just written a boatload of stuff, I’ve sold a boatload of stuff:  north of ninety novels, to start with. I’ve got the draft of a Wild Cards story due in a few weeks (another reason to get my mass in gear) as well as my story in the upcoming Suicide Kings. I’ve got a story in an upcoming BattleTech dead-tree anthology as well as a solicitation for more online fiction for BattleCorps. And just yesterday I got a solicitation for another piece of short fiction, possibly more than one.

Despite the state of the economy I’m still getting asked to sell my wares. So clearly I entertain somebody. Possibly several somebodies. Which is what really matters.

Undeniably I write well enough. Whatever that means. Meanwhile every day I try to learn how to write better.

The other means of addressing the fear of not being good enough is through the technique I’m trying to learn to consistently apply of not giving a shit about first drafts. It doesn’t have to be good; it just has to be done. The specs for a good first draft consist of one word: finished.

As you might imagine, my application of that principle last week – which ample evidence shows does work for me, and damned well – was imperfect.

Now, yesterday was better. Got up, did some writing, did some stuff around the house, and went off to take Ty up on his generous offer to come kill zombies at his house. Spent an enjoyable afternoon and evening at Left 4 Dead. Walter Jon Williams even called up and joined the game. It was fun – and, I think, helpful. I need to do more things that give me genuine pleasure. Hint: writing’s another.

What I’m telling myself today, as I gear up for writing, is that another reason for less than steady progress is I am still learning my new technique of Just-Enough Structure. I’ve been aware I needed that for years now. Just over the last few months I’ve begun turning principle into technique by applying it – with pretty marked success.

But like everything else we undertake, applying this technique’s a skill. Therefore I can learn it. I am learning it. At the same time … I’m learning it. It’s still pretty new to me – and overcoming the habits of 35 years as a professional writer, or 55 years of being a semi-pro living human being, isn’t as easy as you might think.

Even if you think it’s pretty hard.

So one of the reasons I failed to generate as much fiction last week as I wanted, or needed, to was failure to apply my Just-Enough Structure techniques. Oh, well; fear of failure is one of my greatest self-imposed obstacles, too. Maybe one of yours? And one way of dealing with it is to just buckle down and fail some. Then get up and fail some more.

As methods go, that sucks. If you happen to know a better, or anyway less painful technique, please let me know. And if your rejoinder is that it’s easier said than done – well, tell me about it! It’s not as if I didn’t know that the most if not only reliable cure for fear of failure is to fail often enough to desenstize yourself for like, oh, most of my life.

Here’s what you take away from that:  if I can begin to overcome the fear of failure by making myself suck it up and fail, you can too.

(And note to parentds: if you reward your kids for success – accomplishment – good. If you punish them for failing, knock that shit off right now. Since I’m not a parent I cannot advise you on the basis of any expertise at parenthood. I’m advising you on the basis of being a former kid.)

And I see I’ve wandered a bit afield. And I’ve actually controlled my impulse to expand on a bunch of themes and subjects I’ve raised.

And then – maybe I just came back to where I started. The fear of failure is an overriding reason for taking that one step back. And taking two steps forward – is in itself overcoming the fear of failure.

And hey:  I needed to make that explicit for myself. Thanks for being party to it. Hope you took away something useful from it.

Meanwhile, the promised post – and its sequel – soon!

Thanks as always for reading. My stories and my maundering.

Popularity: 1% [?]