Sense of Adventure » spam

In which I make a scene

Victor — Fri, 16 Sep 2011 19:16:11 +0000

So, yeah. Well. Last night I made a scene at one of my favorite restaurants.

It came to pass at Sadie’s, a long-time fixture of Albuquerque’s North Valley where I dwell – it’s just a couple miles north up Fourth Street from my humble abode. As we do every two weeks I went out to dinner with a good friend whom I’m not going to name and shame here. He knows who he is. So do you, probably.) It’s – justly – famous for its salsa and its tasty New Mexican cuisine.

Sadie's: the scene of the crime.

As we try to do during the time of year it’s open – drawing to a close, obviously – we sat on the outdoor patio., pictured above. It was a most pleasant evening to do so, notwithstanding the brief and furious downpour. Which fortunately stayed outside the roof and overhang.

So anyway, my friend told me about a very interesting spam email the traps at his employer – Los Alamos National Laboratory, as it happens – which had caused quite the sensation throughout the Lab. It seems that the Nigerian scammer who sent it wanted to establish his bona fides by claiming connection to a very famous and influential American entertainer.

So he announced he was the nephew of Howdy Doody.

Now, when I laugh – really laugh – I really laugh. I’ve had performers tell me semi-seriously they wanted to hire me to come and sit in their audience at every show.

This revelation made me laugh so long and hard (I’m still cackling about it as I type this) that the pleasant older couple at the next table demanded to know what was so darned funny. Which my friend duly told them.

Okay, those of you who, like me, are older than dirt (and I was privileged to watch the great cowboy star during his TV heyday, the 1950s) are probably losing it too. Sorry if you’re at work.

For you among my beloved readers who are less than 100 – you who are now shaking your heads and asking, “Howdy Doody? Whozat? So what?” - hit the link to see the rest of the story and learn the awful truth:

Say howdy to Howdy Doody

This guy.

Yes, kids, it’s Howdy Doody Time! And if you’re old enough to Know Howdy, apologies again for the ear-worm that phrase – it’s basically the show’s jingle repeated over and over and OVER – just put in your heads. I’m kind of a bastard that way.

(If it’s any consolation, I have the damned ditty trapped in my brain now, too. Thanks, me!)

I loved him when I was five. His somewhat wooden acting notwithstanding.

Why don’t I get spam like that? All the spam I get here at Sense of Adventure these days seems to be offering to have blog posts written for me professionally, at sub-sub-sweatshop prices. Yeah, thanks, I really need that.

Oh, yeah – if you haven’t yet checked out my senses-shattering debut column at Cheese Magnet – on a certain obscure artist of the science fiction and fantasy genres – please feel free to remedy that lack now. With bonus burly barbarians and nekkid women! On the off chance you’re interested in either of those things….

So have a rowdy (Howdy) weekend, kids, and as always – thanks for reading!

Push the button, Frank.

PS – Actually, I think I just adopted that as the coda to my Cheese Magnet column, Vic Milán: Action Guy!!

George RR Martin is totally not a spammer

Victor — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 23:30:27 +0000

… no matter what you believe, Thunderbird, curse you!

I just posted a Tweet griping about how Thunderbird always slugs email from George RR Martin, who’s been my friend and editor on Wild Cards for freakin’ decades, as possible spam. Yet it allows a communication from one Dr. MaxMan, Penis Enlarger in without a peep. Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot?

The good folks over at Westeros.org, the mega-fansite for all things George, with emphasis on some obscure fantasy series called A Song of Ice and Fire, Tweeted back they’d experienced the same hitch in T-bird’s gitalong.

Now, as I told them, I can sorta understand why Thunderbird would just automatically assume email purporting to be from That American Tolkien Guy would be spam. They’re probably right. Most of the time.

What really annoys me is that there seems to be no way to tell Thunderbird to knock it the hell off. They used to have a button when you were reading emails that would allow you to mark a post as Not Spam. Now, though, all I can find is a button labeled to the effect of, “Go Ahead and Ignore Our Warnings That This Is Totally Spam, and Moronically View It Despite the Fact It Will Most Certainly Infect Your Computer With Ineradicable Malware, Causing It to Join a Network of Zombie PCs Launching Denial of Service Attacks on Various Humanitarian Organizations, Undoubtedly Causing the Deaths of Thousands of Orphans. Asshole.”

Which is not helpful.

Meanwhile, the whole Dr. PenisHead, MD or whatever the fuck thing still torques my nuts. Especially since I’ve marked a ton of emails with the same header as junk. Is this the reward I get for using an email client named for a cheap wine?

In other tidings, got the contracts for the Seekrit Projekt signed and mailed out (yes.)

I was going to issue forth to mail them, which I totally did not want to do, inasmuch as traffic at this time on a Friday is hammerhead awful here in Albuquerque’s scenic North Valley, plus I was feeling lazy and didn’t want to go out, whine, snivel moan*. (Not that lazy, ’cause what I really want is to keep on rewriting The Dinosaur Lords!)

I was saved from that ignominious fate when, lo and behold, the mailman came by.

Of course, I was changing clothes at the time. And I do not care to entrust important letters clothespinned to the outside of my damn mailbox. Bunch of savages in this town.

So I had to chase the postman down the street barefoot in my bathrobe, letter in hand. But I caught him. Mission accomplished!

*Except really not that lazy, because helicopters keep flying over the house. When you got helicopters buzzing all around, you know that traffic’s fracked. So there!

Most incoherent email ever

Victor — Sat, 31 May 2008 22:04:48 +0000

I had to share this with you.

The following is an email I got just now purporting to be from “The lonely woman from Russia [SuzyQ]“. I’ve changed the correspondent’s alleged name to [SuzyQ] in order, I suppose, to preserve the sensibilities of whatever halfwit Russian spammer ginned this up.

Anyway, I think I can promise you this makes the most befuddled Nigerian scam email you have ever imagined seem like Tolkien.

Appended were two photos of a vaguely pretty, putatively Russian young blonde woman, which to my annoyance Thunderbird loaded in the message. I excised these, as well as the return email address, for the protection of my readers.

By the way, the phrase in bold below served as both the email’s subject and its first line. (I’d say, “somewhat surreally,” but if you read on you’ll see that description is just full-spectrum inadequate.)

Now, for your delectation and edification, after the jump (click if you dare! click but beware!) behold the splendor and the glory of:

Hello not the man familiar to me!

I understand that you now are surprised that to you this letter has come. But I ask you simply spend 5 minutes of your time and read it and that it can probably change and your life and mine. At first I wished to be presented. My name to [SuzyQ] me of 29 years I live in Russia in the Cheboksary of I not married. And never was married. I have finished school and arrived in medical college finished it and went to work in hospital but only me never I carried could find to myself the man and me so it would be desirable it. And I looked as that in the evening the TV and saw that there spoke that in Russia 30 000 000 women which live without men and that there are such marriage agencies in which it is possible to address and in such agency to you can pick up the man. I went to one of such agency and addressed to them with the request that they could find for me the man they spoke to me that this service paid and that I should pay about 1000 roubles. At first I thought that it expensively for me but have then thought and solved that money for me it not important that I want happiness I want love I want the relation and I want a happy family what for to me money without a thing it and I gave this one thousand roubles. And they suggested me to get acquainted with the man from other country. I have solved why and was not present if I could not find the man from Russia such destiny can at me and I should search the man from another of the countries. And they gave me yours e-mail the address and spoke that you search to yourself the woman. I took all data and went to the cafe Internet as I am not able to use well the computer and it costs much for my payment from work. I came to the Internet of cafe and asked that to me created the address e-mail that I from it could write you the letter. And here now you can see my letter. I wrote you it with hope that you will answer. As I took two photos that you could see my appearance and to solve for yourself completely you would like to begin dialogue and relations with me. Only I ask you at once look at a photo esteem the letter think and solve precisely you would like with me correspondence to me the friend to me is not necessary I and which is ready for serious relations will be necessary to love which MAN and creation of a family I is possible I ask you very fragile person and if serious relations write to me tell to me are not necessary to you that is not present I will understand. And still I wished to speak to you that on a photo I turned out not so well as I did these photos at home and they turned out not so well as professional but you see me such as I look in a life. And you can precisely define such woman as I is necessary to you or not. Very big request Also would like if you nevertheless are interested in me that write to me about yours e-mail where we with you could speak and a little good photos you have gone to me. Here like and all that I wished to speak with you and now I only needed to wait from you for the answer and I hope that you will write that to me if I was not pleasant to you or serious relations are not necessary to you let to me know.

The lonely woman from Russia [SuzyQ]

@@@

I swear I didn’t make that up. I couldn’t.

It’s reproduced, except for the changes mentioned above, exactly as it arrived in my inbox.

You did get one thing right, though, Sunshine: I am so not the man familiar to you. God willing, so I shall remain.

Update:Afterthought – If Hello not the man familiar to me! doesn’t join All your base are belong to us and im in ur base, killin ur d00ds in the pantheon of Internet catchphrases we can never forget (no matter how hard we try) there truly is no justice.